The past during the present

The world of missionary work really doesn't allow for much thought or it will flood you with it. It's a world of extremes for sure. Many times especially for the missionaries who do not want to be a missionary, the thought of 'what if' enters their heads. It's really difficult to avoid thinking about what one would be doing if they had decided to avoid the mission in the first place. It's very easy to get depressed this way and to tell someone that you wish you hadn't gone would almost be regarded as blasphemy. Sometimes I think about what happened before and what I could have done differently to change things. Now that I'm out here in, I'm a thousand miles from everyone I know. There's a sense of isolation in that thought and a sense of helplessness. There are certain events that I cannot talk about to get off my mind that can affect me.

I was a heavy PC gamer before my mission. And no, I was not Politically Correct, I played computer games. I had thousands of hours in many of the games offered by the platform. This form of entertainment was my escape from reality. I never had that many friends and I wasn't a huge success with girls either. My grades were something to be desired and I had issues with many many different things. I miss those games I would play, and the bonding moments with my friends. To go from playing 12 hours a day to zero. It's a shock and a burden. I struggle during my mission and my downtime that I get to have, to destress and to refocus. I'm never interested in reading the Bible or book of mormon. I wish I had more options and a method to this madness.

I was also a heavy heavy vaper. I ingested large amounts of nicotine in this form. It was almost a past time of mine. I enjoyed it and I thought it was great. I wasn't concerned about my health or really anything about it. And to go from what I had to zero, also just wiped me to the floor. I am sure I could have gradually quit before, but I just wasn't even sure I wanted to go. My experience is a reminder to let people know that they really should only serve a mission if they really want to. It's hard, especially I you aren't an angel....